шутки юмора в области ТОиР (на англ.)

X

Airplane Logbook Funnies.. P= Pilot entry / ME= Maintenance Engineer Entry



P – Autoland produces hard touchdowns. / ME – This aircraft not fitted with autoland.
P – Nosewheel tire almost needs replacing. / ME – Almost replaced nosewheel tire.
P- Something loose in the cockpit. / ME – Something tightened in the cockpit.
P – Dead bugs on the windshield. / ME – Live ones on order.
P – Autopilot does not hold altitude. / ME – Cannot reproduce this fault on the ground.
P – Evidence of leak on main gear oleo. / ME – Evidence removed.
P – Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. / ME – That’s what they’re for.
P – Transponder inoperative in OFF mode. / ME – All things inoperative in OFF mode.
P – Right engine missing. / ME – Right engine found after brief walkround.
P – Aircraft handles funny. / ME – Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P – No .2 radio hums. / ME – Lyrics on order.
P – Mouse in the cockpit. / ME – Cat fitted.
P – How high is the top of the fin and rudder? / ME – Depends on your flight level.
P – Passengers referred to as SLB? / ME – Self-loading baggage.
P – First officer sent to stores for long stand. / ME – He’ll be there quite while.
P – Cockpit inspection revealed incorrect registration on instrument panel. / ME – You’re in the wrong aircraft.
P – Maintenance hangar moved from known location. / ME – You’ve landed at the wrong airport.
P – In-flight film quality so low that absolutely all passengers and even flight attendants asleep. / ME – Cabin pressurization not selected ON.
P – Landing ground roll short with high deceleration and strange noises. /ME – Landing gear not selected DOWN.
P- Houses bigger/houses smaller lever function reversed. / ME – Aircraft inverted.
P – Could you help us compile a list of useless things in aviation? / ME – Suggest altitude above you, runway behind you, fuel in the bowser, charts left in flight planning.
P – On throttle opening, aircraft accelerates backwards. / ME – Reverse thrust to be used only on landing.
P – Difficulty in seeing runway centerline on night take offs. / ME – Only cabin lights to be selected OFF for take off.
P – Charts/maps being blown around cockpit. / ME – Cockpit side window to be opened only on the ground.
P – In-flight coffee tastes like aviation oil. / ME – Do not confuse W100 with Gold Blend.
P –ADF transmitter seems to be interviewing celebrities. / ME – Retune receivers to aviation frequencies, not entertainment radio.
 
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captive nut

captive nut

иногда заглядываю
P - DME volume unbelievably loud./ ME - DME volume set to more believable level.

P - Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. / ME - Took hammer away from midget.
 
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Pit

Pit

Старожил
Про что-то где-то привинтили встречалось в отечественной технике. Ещё оттуда же:
- Неприятный шум в наушниках. - Дефект устранён, шум приятный.
- В пассажирском салоне много мух. - Убито 32 мухи, остальные оставлены до формы "Б".
- В кабине неприятныйц запах. - Запах исчез после ухода экипажа.
 
pro&con

pro&con

MDW
Bluejacket.com - http://bluejacket.com/humor_naval-aviation.html
Basic Birdman Wisdom

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. If you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and therefore inherently unsafe.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

Never trade luck for skill.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

A smooth landing is mostly luck. Two in a row is all luck. Three in a row is provocation.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

When a flight is going extremely well, something was forgotten.

Human kind has a perfect record in aviation. No one has ever been left up there.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide in clouds.
Remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

Weather forecast are horoscopes with numbers.

Never run out of altitude, airspeed and ideas all at the same time. (Submitted by gonavy505)

It is not a good idea to eject over an area you have just bombed. (Submitted by Mike Daniel)

Equipment problems that go away by themselves will come back by themselves.

Five famous last expressions in aviation: 1) What was that? 2) Why is it dong that? 3) Where are we? 4) Watch this! 5) Oooooh Sh**

If no liquids (such as fuel, oil, grease or hydraulic fluid) are leaking out of an aircraft, it's safe to say there are none within. (Submitted by ssdrpr)

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are required to successfully complete a flight.

Northrop's Law of Aeronautical Engineering - When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the airplane, the airplane will fly. (Submitted by HuckB315)

If you have to fly "Hanger Queen" during squadron fly off keep one hand on ejection seat handle during cat shot. (Submitted by gonavy505)

The most hazardous evolution in naval aviation is the end of deployment fly-off. (Approach safety magazine)

Flaring is like squatting to pee. (Navy carrier pilot).

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

Black Shoe Axiom: There are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky. (Submitted by ib1okie)

When all else fails in the cockpit, do an In Flight Mechanical Adjustment (aka IFMA). Specifically, use your flight boot of choice and kick the living daylights out of the offending electronic/mechanical device. (Submitted by Robert Lawson).

Similarities between air traffic controllers (ATC) and pilots: If a pilot screws up he dies. If ATC screws up the pilot dies.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your problem to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

Three great things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Attributed to astronaut Jon McBride)

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Northrop test pilot Max Stanley)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Attributed to aerobatic pilot Bob Hoover)

When a crash seems inevitable endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible. (Attributed to WW1 era RAF)

If an airplane is still in one piece don't cheat on it, ride the bastard down. (Attributed to author/aviator Ernest K. Gann)

Though I fly through the valley of death I shall fear no evil for I am at 80,000 feet and climbing. (Sign at entrance to SR-71 area Kadena AFB Okinawa)

As a test pilot climbs out of an experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The pilot replies, "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Attributed to SR-71 test pilot Paul Crickmore)

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign at Davis-Monthan AFB Arizona.)

Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV. (Attributed to a DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the "glass cockpit" of an A-320.)

Altitude is energy, energy is speed, speed is life, life is good! (Submitted by AT1 Alan Trulock)

It takes a college degree to break 'em and a high school diploma to fix 'em. (Submitted by AT1 Doug Storie USN (Ret))

Shanker's Rules (Submitted by Walt Spangler)
1. Speed is life.
2. Train like you plan to fight.
3. If it's stupid and it works, it ain't stupid.
4. When all else fails, select guns.
5. Know the opposition
6. When things go wrong, get aggressive.
7. Always know when to get out of Dodge.
8. Always know how to get out of Dodge.
9. Honor the threat

Helicopters don't fly. They are so ugly that the earth actually repels them. (Submitted by tomcat_842002)

Helicopters don't fly. They beat the air into submission. (Submitted by tomcat_842002)

There are old fighter pilots, and there are bold fighter pilots, but there are no old and bold fighter pilots! (Submitted by tomcat_842002)

You start with an empty bag of skill and a full bag of luck. The trick is to fill the bag of skill before the luck runs out. (Submitted by tomcat_842002)

Remember the 7 "P's": Perfect Planning and Practice Prevents Piss Poor Performance. (Submitted by tomcat_842002)

The plane is the dog and the pilot is the owner. The planes job is to bite the owner if he touches anything. (Submitted by tomcat_842002)

Fighter bubba's nick name for Hornet pilots - FAG's - Fighter Attack Guys. (Submitted by tomcat_842002)

There are times in life when you should ask questions. There are times in life when you shouldn't. When you see the EOD tech RUNNING up the flight deck, the latter ruler applies. (Submitted by Jim Doran, Air Gunner, USN (Ret))

There is only one purpose for naval aviation - ordnance on target. All else is secondary. A naval aviator is only a courier service for the ordnanceman. (Submitted by Jim Doran, Air Gunner, USN (Ret))

Electric fusing only works if the aircrew turns it on. (Submitted by Jim Doran, Air Gunner, USN (Ret))

An explosion is defined as a loud noise accompanied by the rapid disassembly of the weapon. (Submitted by Jim Doran, Air Gunner, USN (Ret))

It's always better to be down here, wishing you were up there, than to be up there, wishing you were down here. (Attributed to retired Captain H. Ronning).

Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

The flight of a helicopter is nothing more than a continuously controlled crash landing. (Attributed to a Coast Guard Pilot - Submitted by Robin Jones)

AIRCRAFT NICKNAMES
A-3D Skywarrior -- Whale, All Three Dead

A-4 Skyhawk -- Scooter, Heinemann’s Hotrod, Mighty Mite, Tinker Toy

A-5 Vigilante -- Viggie

A-6 Intruder -- Truder, Dogship, Tadpole

A-7 Corsair II -- SLUF

AD-1 Skyraider -- Able Dog, Spad, Flying Dump Truck

AH-1G Cobra -- Snake

AM-1 Mauler -- Able Mable, Awful Monster

AV-8 Harrier -- Jump Jet, Tail Dragger

E-1B Tracer -- Willy Fudd, Fudd, Stoof with a roof

E-2C Hawkeye -- Hummer

EA-3 Skywarrior -- Electric Whale

EA-6B Prowler -- Queer, Q-Bird, Gliding Electric Show

EP-3E Aires II -- Pig, Flying Pig

F1F -- Fifi

F2A Buffalo -- Beer Barrel, Flying Barrel, Suicide Barrel

F2H Banshee -- Banjo

F3D Skyknight -- Drut, Willie the Whale

F3H Demon -- Lead Sled

F4D / F6A Skyray -- Ford

FJ-2/4 Fury -- Dog, Furry

F-4 Phantom II -- Lead Sled, Double Ugly, Rhino, Flying Footlocker, Old Smokey

F4U Corsair -- Bent Wing, U-Bird, Broke Wing, Whistling Death

F-5 Tiger -- Freedom Fighter, Skoshi Tiger, Dinky Toy

F-7U Cutlass -- Gutless Cutlass, Ensign Killer

F-8U Crusader -- Gunfighter, Last Gunfighter, MiG Master

F-14 Tomcat -- Turkey, Tomkitty, Cat, Tomgrape

F/A-18 Hornet -- Bug, Plastic Bug, Fateen

H-3 Sea King -- Big Mother, War Winnebago

HC-130 Hercules -- Herk, Hog, Bleed Air Blimp

HC-46 Sea Knight -- Frog, Boeing Body Bag, Boeing Mix Master

HJD-1 -- Little Henry

HU-1E / HH / UH Iroquois -- Huey, Slick

N3N -- Yellow Peril

NR-1 Recruit -- Maytag Messerschmitt

P-3 Orion -- Pig, Flying Pig

P5M Mariner -- Frog

PV-1 Ventura -- Pregnant Pig

PV-2 Harpoon -- 'Poon

R4D (DC-3 / C-47) -- Gooney Bird, Dizzy Three

S-2F Tracker -- Stoof

S-3 Viking -- Hoover

SB2C Helldiver -- Beast

SB2U Vindicator -- Vibrator, Wind Indicator

SBD Dauntless -- Barge, Slow But Deadly

SH-60 Seahawk -- Crashhawk, Lawn Dart

SNB-1 Kansan / UC-45 Navigator -- Secret Navy Bomber, Double Breasted Bug Smasher

SNJ Texan -- Snidge, Growler, Slow Navy Junk

T-2 Buckeye -- Guppy

T-28 Trojan -- Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

T-34 Mentor -- Radial Interceptor, Teenie-weenie

T-37 Tweet -- Dog Whistle, Tweety Bird, Screaming Mimi

TBF Avenger -- Pregnant Beast, Turkey, Chuff

UF-1G / HU-16 Albatross -- Goat

US-2B -- Used to be Stoof

WF-1 Tracer -- Willy Fudd, Fudd, Stoof with a Roof

GRIPES & GRINS
The following maintenance work orders were submitted by pilots.
The replies are from aircraft maintainers.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test Flight OK, except auto land very rough.
Solution: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Propeller #2 seeping prop fluid.
Solution: Propeller #2 seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: It does now!

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME (Distance Measuring Equipment) volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in off mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Engine #3 missing.
Solution: Engine #3 found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious!

Problem: Target Radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics.

Problem: TACAN INOP when O-F-F/O-N switch in O-F-F position
Solution: NTF. Works when set to ON (Submitted by former AT2 Joe Carlet)

Collected from multiple sources. No claim made for originality.
 
ex-fa

ex-fa

ORD watcher
 
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arz-400

Местный
было тут, но недоступно, поэтому выкладываю

FedEx
Revised Airbus 300 Manual
Written specifically for senior captains who know exactly what they are doing with or without a manual or checklist.
please note- to avoid paper cuts (a possible work stopping injury), please have someone else turn these pages for you

Preparing for Work
Scenario:
It has been six weeks since your last trip, due to your increasing age you hardly remember where the airport is. You access the Internet and get directions wishing that those “R” days would have never ended. You find your uniform buried in your closet but realized you haven’t worn it in so long you’ve grown out of it.
While dressing you look down and notice that your hands are chapped and hurting. Here at the FedEx/Airbus institute we have found that this is normally due to a lack of personal hygiene as well as significant time handling corrosive materials normally associated with airplane construction.
What you should do:
As with any occupation, some preparation is required before heading to the work site. We suggest starting the day with a massive dose of caffeine (we know your haven’t been up before eight a.m. in months.) We also suggest that all pilots try on their uniform every two weeks to ensure a proper fit. Care of the hands is also important, we suggest a hand soak preferably two to three hours before departure; you can use any of the high quality bath products found at a number of retail stores.
Arriving at the Job Site
You arrive to work only to realize that the company you work for, currently flies more that one type of aircraft. Not to worry, in the back of this manual you will find a cheat sheet that will help you identify the plane you currently fly. After some confusing stuff back in the terminal, people using words like destination and weather conditions, you are driven out to your plane. (Note: these preceding and proceeding instructions assume that you have successfully found the airport. If this is not the case, please contact one of the taxi companies listed on the cheat sheet in the back of this manual.) Upon arrival at the aircraft you notice that it is covered with this odd, clear, odorless, and wet substance. Immediately demand a supervisor, under no circumstance would the union expect you to fly a plane in this condition After several hours and an odd burst of warm light from the sky, your aircraft is void of the before mentioned substance. You are taken back out to your aircraft only to realize that the only way to board the plane is a set of stairs that would not accommodate your motorized wheelchair. We know that you pilots are able to walk, we have even seen you do it. However, because of your latest contract, you are not required to. The crane is brought over, and like common parcels you are loaded into the plane. Congratulations!


Preparing for Flight and Takeoff
Once in the cockpit, you may notice many unfamiliar and intimidating buttons and levers. Not to worry, the majority of these gadgets are merely for looks. Like any good Fisher-Price toy they turn and make noise but have no purpose. You may ask, why all the extra expense to equip an airliner with all these fictitious controls? Pilot salary is merely a tax writeoff for large transportation corporations. Companies pick you clean cut males to sit in little chairs and take orders from an inanimate flying beast. You must be good story tellers, as well as supposed adrenaline junkies. Pilots pay is very high to buy your silence in this global tax evading conspiracy.
Once the “on” switch has been located, ask the computer if you can get it anything. Please note, we prefer you address the computer as Sir or Madam (depending on its personality) so that at no time does the computer feel inferior. If the computer needs something, this will usually be gas or oil, sometimes it wants a new pilot, not to worry, operate the radio and repeat into it the number identifying your aircraft (located directly in front of you (please don’t read the altimeter or speed.)) Once you have identified your plane repeat into the radio exactly what the computer said less any obscenities.
At this point you are ready to start engines and proceed to the runway. The runway is the strip of road where the plane attempts to become airborne. Since your latest contract, you no longer have to taxi the plane yourselves. As seen in the picture to the right, a tug will tow you to the designated runway.
Upon arrival, call and ask permission to go up and play. Press the button labeled “Make plane go up from a standstill,” and you are off. Success!!

The Long Ride to an Unknown Destination
As you fly toward your destination, the computer may occasionally tilt the aircraft up, down, left or right. This is referred to as ascending, descending, and turning, respectively. These “tilts” point the aircraft toward your destination. If you find that all this tilting is making you ill, you may want to go in the back of the aircraft. There you may find many other people just as capable of doing your job, but oblivious as to the conspiracy that sits just feet in front of them. Once you have settled into a cruise, you may again take a nap, beware that on some occasions you may have to use the radio. Some of the less social computers refuse to talk to other planes, this could result in serious problems if someone is approaching you at high rates of speed.
By this point you are probably curious as to where you are going. If asked correctly the computer will divulge its knowledge of where you may be headed. Use this time to reflect back on how life once was, before the advent of the autopilot, TOGA buttons, GPS, auto land, auto brakes, power steering, glass cockpits, and color television. Realize that this is the life.
Suddenly the plane tilts downward, don’t worry, you are just getting near to where you are going. Prepare now for the landing.

The Decent and Landing
The abrupt change in altitude may have you wondering about the computer’s mental condition. However, all is well. Because your latest contract stipulates that you will no longer land in rain, snow, or cities without a Starbucks, you should be able to see the runway from a good distance. At this point you can make some key decisions. One, you can trick the computer and try to land the plane yourself. You have seen this once in a simulator but because you were high on epoxy, remember nothing more than two monkeys with a Burger King kids meal playing chess with the Easter Bunny. You can look to the right and say the simple words, “You got it,” and go to the back of the plane eliminating any responsibility you may have for the outcome. Or you can press the green button labeled, “Place aircraft on ground from sky in a controlled manner on an appropriate airfield.” We elect to use the latter. The decision however is yours, if the computer agrees.
As you approach the ground you sit back and watch all the cool things the computer is doing. Something to do with flaps (miniture wing things that make noise), gear (tires), trim (door guards), and pressure (cooks things faster). As you bump on the runway, reverse thrusters do something, and auto brakes slow you down.
At this point you should be stopped. Call a tug and get to the gate.

Parking and Deplaning
When the tug arrives, you must instruct the hard working driver where it is he or she is to place your aircraft. As these tug drivers are not aided by a computer, it is imperative that you ask your computer where it is you are supposed to be going. As illustrated in the picture below, it is very important that you not place you plane in a bad part of town. The aircraft below was stripped in just three minutes while
awaiting unloading at the Orange Mound SuperHub.
The seatbelts that hold you in your seats will easily release assuming that you were able to latch them in the first place. You should now be in your motorized wheelchair awaiting the crane that will place you gingerly onto the ground. As you wheel around your craft, check for anything out of the ordinary. Things such as missing parts, attractive ramp workers, unguarded parcels, and other aircraft make for a good distraction after those grueling few hours of sitting. As you glide back to the terminal you may be asked
some questions. If necessary to avoid questioning, act like you have a terrible case of the________(fill in your ailment of choice.) When you arrive at the terminal tell some story about anything and find the nearest driver, you must to get to the hotel where you will be paid to sleep.
Amazing!

Getting Back to the Airport to Go Home
Luckily, you only had to spend one night at that retched three star hotel. Because you have no car of your own at this forgien city, you are ferried around by drivers which you can elect not to tip because here at the FedEx/Airbus institute we know how tight you pilots are. The drivers more often than not know their way to and from the airport, if this is not the case, have the driver pull over and find another person willing to take you to your destination for free. Upon arrival at the airport, you may recognize some familiar faces. As always, act like you have never before seen them and bark commands at them like they were commoners. Once you have been given the keys to your plane find the crew bus and prepare for the ride around and glance at the strange objects pre something or other check.
The Only Problem - Finding Your Plane
Well you made it. You know how to use your aircraft. You even know what it looks like. You don’t know however which one it is. You remember that yours had that dent in the wing from the... They all have
dents in the wing, you have been here for a while. This could be bad. Earlier at the bar you figured out new
ways to make decisions, if the beer is hot drink it not, but if the beer is cold you’ve won the gold. How on earth would that apply here? We don’t know either, there is just so many things we still have to learn here at the FedEx/Airbus Institute.
Just get in any of the planes. No one really cares. As long as it has gas and is going back to where you came from, it’s a go for launch. Be sure to check for any ramp workers stuck in the back, you don't want anyone looking over your shoulder. Once or twice we have heard the story where one of our trained pilots gets into the right aircraft , just the wrong company. Here you will see a company MD-11, you will also
see a company pilot in a China Airlines A300. In the event this happens to you, fly it to the destination and them claim you had a bad case of the__________.

Well Your Home Again
Well we hope you enjoyed the latest edition of the revised FedEx A300 manual. Remember if you fly the wrong plane, talk back to the computer, or deface this manual, you will be flying the airplane picture to the
right. If any offences happen a second time, enjoy your career as a courier, that will probably require that
you get a drivers licence. If you managed to get this far in life flying a gigantic piece of kerosene propelled
steel through the skies a breakneck speeds you deserve a round of applause. I have enough trouble maneuvering my three thousand pound luxo sedan into a garage that would hold nearly two of them. So on
behalf of the FedEx/Airbus Institute for continuing education, and its intelligent as well as handsome director, we wish you the best of luck.
And the next time you decided to strap yourself in a hurdling hunk of thinly coated aluminum, remember
we know what really goes on up there. So keeps your wings level and keep reaching for the stars. Because nothing ever goes wrong with a (computer) computer.

Keep Flying High,
Barrett Ward
President of the Institute to Harass
Hard Working Airbus Pilots

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