было
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FedEx
Revised Airbus 300 Manual
Written specifically for senior captains who know exactly what they are doing with or without a manual or checklist.
please note- to avoid paper cuts (a possible work stopping injury), please have someone else turn these pages for you
Preparing for Work
Scenario:
It has been six weeks since your last trip, due to your increasing age you hardly remember where the airport is. You access the Internet and get directions wishing that those “R” days would have never ended. You find your uniform buried in your closet but realized you haven’t worn it in so long you’ve grown out of it.
While dressing you look down and notice that your hands are chapped and hurting. Here at the FedEx/Airbus institute we have found that this is normally due to a lack of personal hygiene as well as significant time handling corrosive materials normally associated with airplane construction.
What you should do:
As with any occupation, some preparation is required before heading to the work site. We suggest starting the day with a massive dose of caffeine (we know your haven’t been up before eight a.m. in months.) We also suggest that all pilots try on their uniform every two weeks to ensure a proper fit. Care of the hands is also important, we suggest a hand soak preferably two to three hours before departure; you can use any of the high quality bath products found at a number of retail stores.
Arriving at the Job Site
You arrive to work only to realize that the company you work for, currently flies more that one type of aircraft. Not to worry, in the back of this manual you will find a cheat sheet that will help you identify the plane you currently fly. After some confusing stuff back in the terminal, people using words like destination and weather conditions, you are driven out to your plane. (Note: these preceding and proceeding instructions assume that you have successfully found the airport. If this is not the case, please contact one of the taxi companies listed on the cheat sheet in the back of this manual.) Upon arrival at the aircraft you notice that it is covered with this odd, clear, odorless, and wet substance. Immediately demand a supervisor, under no circumstance would the union expect you to fly a plane in this condition After several hours and an odd burst of warm light from the sky, your aircraft is void of the before mentioned substance. You are taken back out to your aircraft only to realize that the only way to board the plane is a set of stairs that would not accommodate your motorized wheelchair. We know that you pilots are able to walk, we have even seen you do it. However, because of your latest contract, you are not required to. The crane is brought over, and like common parcels you are loaded into the plane. Congratulations!
Preparing for Flight and Takeoff
Once in the cockpit, you may notice many unfamiliar and intimidating buttons and levers. Not to worry, the majority of these gadgets are merely for looks. Like any good Fisher-Price toy they turn and make noise but have no purpose. You may ask, why all the extra expense to equip an airliner with all these fictitious controls? Pilot salary is merely a tax writeoff for large transportation corporations. Companies pick you clean cut males to sit in little chairs and take orders from an inanimate flying beast. You must be good story tellers, as well as supposed adrenaline junkies. Pilots pay is very high to buy your silence in this global tax evading conspiracy.
Once the “on” switch has been located, ask the computer if you can get it anything. Please note, we prefer you address the computer as Sir or Madam (depending on its personality) so that at no time does the computer feel inferior. If the computer needs something, this will usually be gas or oil, sometimes it wants a new pilot, not to worry, operate the radio and repeat into it the number identifying your aircraft (located directly in front of you (please don’t read the altimeter or speed.)) Once you have identified your plane repeat into the radio exactly what the computer said less any obscenities.
At this point you are ready to start engines and proceed to the runway. The runway is the strip of road where the plane attempts to become airborne. Since your latest contract, you no longer have to taxi the plane yourselves. As seen in the picture to the right, a tug will tow you to the designated runway.
Upon arrival, call and ask permission to go up and play. Press the button labeled “Make plane go up from a standstill,” and you are off. Success!!
The Long Ride to an Unknown Destination
As you fly toward your destination, the computer may occasionally tilt the aircraft up, down, left or right. This is referred to as ascending, descending, and turning, respectively. These “tilts” point the aircraft toward your destination. If you find that all this tilting is making you ill, you may want to go in the back of the aircraft. There you may find many other people just as capable of doing your job, but oblivious as to the conspiracy that sits just feet in front of them. Once you have settled into a cruise, you may again take a nap, beware that on some occasions you may have to use the radio. Some of the less social computers refuse to talk to other planes, this could result in serious problems if someone is approaching you at high rates of speed.
By this point you are probably curious as to where you are going. If asked correctly the computer will divulge its knowledge of where you may be headed. Use this time to reflect back on how life once was, before the advent of the autopilot, TOGA buttons, GPS, auto land, auto brakes, power steering, glass cockpits, and color television. Realize that this is the life.
Suddenly the plane tilts downward, don’t worry, you are just getting near to where you are going. Prepare now for the landing.
The Decent and Landing
The abrupt change in altitude may have you wondering about the computer’s mental condition. However, all is well. Because your latest contract stipulates that you will no longer land in rain, snow, or cities without a Starbucks, you should be able to see the runway from a good distance. At this point you can make some key decisions. One, you can trick the computer and try to land the plane yourself. You have seen this once in a simulator but because you were high on epoxy, remember nothing more than two monkeys with a Burger King kids meal playing chess with the Easter Bunny. You can look to the right and say the simple words, “You got it,” and go to the back of the plane eliminating any responsibility you may have for the outcome. Or you can press the green button labeled, “Place aircraft on ground from sky in a controlled manner on an appropriate airfield.” We elect to use the latter. The decision however is yours, if the computer agrees.
As you approach the ground you sit back and watch all the cool things the computer is doing. Something to do with flaps (miniture wing things that make noise), gear (tires), trim (door guards), and pressure (cooks things faster). As you bump on the runway, reverse thrusters do something, and auto brakes slow you down.
At this point you should be stopped. Call a tug and get to the gate.
Parking and Deplaning
When the tug arrives, you must instruct the hard working driver where it is he or she is to place your aircraft. As these tug drivers are not aided by a computer, it is imperative that you ask your computer where it is you are supposed to be going. As illustrated in the picture below, it is very important that you not place you plane in a bad part of town. The aircraft below was stripped in just three minutes while
awaiting unloading at the Orange Mound SuperHub.
The seatbelts that hold you in your seats will easily release assuming that you were able to latch them in the first place. You should now be in your motorized wheelchair awaiting the crane that will place you gingerly onto the ground. As you wheel around your craft, check for anything out of the ordinary. Things such as missing parts, attractive ramp workers, unguarded parcels, and other aircraft make for a good distraction after those grueling few hours of sitting. As you glide back to the terminal you may be asked
some questions. If necessary to avoid questioning, act like you have a terrible case of the________(fill in your ailment of choice.) When you arrive at the terminal tell some story about anything and find the nearest driver, you must to get to the hotel where you will be paid to sleep.
Amazing!
Getting Back to the Airport to Go Home
Luckily, you only had to spend one night at that retched three star hotel. Because you have no car of your own at this forgien city, you are ferried around by drivers which you can elect not to tip because here at the FedEx/Airbus institute we know how tight you pilots are. The drivers more often than not know their way to and from the airport, if this is not the case, have the driver pull over and find another person willing to take you to your destination for free. Upon arrival at the airport, you may recognize some familiar faces. As always, act like you have never before seen them and bark commands at them like they were commoners. Once you have been given the keys to your plane find the crew bus and prepare for the ride around and glance at the strange objects pre something or other check.
The Only Problem - Finding Your Plane
Well you made it. You know how to use your aircraft. You even know what it looks like. You don’t know however which one it is. You remember that yours had that dent in the wing from the... They all have
dents in the wing, you have been here for a while. This could be bad. Earlier at the bar you figured out new
ways to make decisions, if the beer is hot drink it not, but if the beer is cold you’ve won the gold. How on earth would that apply here? We don’t know either, there is just so many things we still have to learn here at the FedEx/Airbus Institute.
Just get in any of the planes. No one really cares. As long as it has gas and is going back to where you came from, it’s a go for launch. Be sure to check for any ramp workers stuck in the back, you don't want anyone looking over your shoulder. Once or twice we have heard the story where one of our trained pilots gets into the right aircraft , just the wrong company. Here you will see a company MD-11, you will also
see a company pilot in a China Airlines A300. In the event this happens to you, fly it to the destination and them claim you had a bad case of the__________.
Well Your Home Again
Well we hope you enjoyed the latest edition of the revised FedEx A300 manual. Remember if you fly the wrong plane, talk back to the computer, or deface this manual, you will be flying the airplane picture to the
right. If any offences happen a second time, enjoy your career as a courier, that will probably require that
you get a drivers licence. If you managed to get this far in life flying a gigantic piece of kerosene propelled
steel through the skies a breakneck speeds you deserve a round of applause. I have enough trouble maneuvering my three thousand pound luxo sedan into a garage that would hold nearly two of them. So on
behalf of the FedEx/Airbus Institute for continuing education, and its intelligent as well as handsome director, we wish you the best of luck.
And the next time you decided to strap yourself in a hurdling hunk of thinly coated aluminum, remember
we know what really goes on up there. So keeps your wings level and keep reaching for the stars. Because nothing ever goes wrong with a (computer) computer.
Keep Flying High,
Barrett Ward
President of the Institute to Harass
Hard Working Airbus Pilots
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Airbus произносится: Эйр-бас